Secure? Anxious? Avoidant?...Single!

Two psychologists by the name of Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller recently came up with a new theory on relationships titled the “attachment theory.” In their book, appropriately named “Attached,” they basically state that individuals fall into one of three attachment styles: Secure (generally able to feel close to others), Anxious (scared of abandonment and emotionally needy), and Avoidant (uncomfortable with getting too close). The key is to find a partner with the same attachment style! All you need to do is take this online quiz to determine your style, and voila, a perfect relationship! Or not…I personally feel that the key to finding a partner is confidence. Being anxious or insecure only leads you to many unwanted problems down the road. If you’re not fully able to love yourself, then how are you going to be able to trust someone enough to love you? My advice is to go out and meet new people (whether for platonic or sexual reasons) and figure out how well your “game” works. Is your approach to new people boring people or is the opposite sex genuinely intrigued after encounters with you? Are you even hanging out with or meeting people that interest you, or do you need to take a step back and evaluate your crowd? A lot of questions may be answered if, and only if, you take your time and put effort into meeting a plethora of personalities. Even tweaking your first impressions little by little onto the opposite sex can potentially lead you to find what you are (or aren’t) looking for in a partner. Always remember to communicate fully, be yourself and state your feelings and emotions honestly. The worst thing you can do is take on a different persona and have it backfire on you later down the line. A lot of times you may act like you are looking for a fling (and openly admit it), and end up wanting a relationship only to have your ass back on the market and writing emo Facebook statuses of Drake lyrics and other nonsense. If the love was never there, you ain’t losing anything!

So go out there and look for someone you can see yourself with and someone who shares a similar mindset with you about the past, present or future. And who knows, all this effort to take your time choosing someone more “secure” and less “anxious” or “avoidant” may just lead you to “The One”….or at least “The One That Will Do For Now.”

And just a sidenote…this is what I ranked on the Attachment Quiz: Anxious! “You love to be very close to your romantic partners and have the capacity for great intimacy. You often fear, however, that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like him/her to be. Relationships tend to consume a large part of your emotional energy. You tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner's moods and actions, and although your senses are often accurate, you take your partner's behaviors overly personally. You experience a lot of negative emotions within the relationship and get easily upset. As a result you tend to act out and say things you later regret. If the other person provides a lot of security and reassurance, however, you are able to shed much of your preoccupation and feel contented.”